I Idolized Motherhood—Until I Experienced It

i-idolized-motherhood-until-i-experienced-itIf you’re wondering why I haven’t blogged in, well, too long, it’s this:

Pregnancy and motherhood have kicked my butt.

Scares and ultrasounds through the first trimester. Monitoring our son in Seattle every few weeks during my second trimester, all to be told he looked perfect at 29 weeks. Then being in the hospital twice for preterm labor. Lots of sleepless nights trying to time contractions and decide if I needed to go in.

On top of it all, a very real anxiety disorder and PTSD from my brain tumor and missed miscarriage. Constantly fearing bad news. Afraid of having it all ripped away from me again. Panic attacks for the span of every ultrasound.

Then, an eventful 24-hour labor that left me afraid to ever do this again.

And now, holding my sweet baby boy, whom I love so much it hurts. Being afraid to go to sleep at night because I want to watch him and make sure he’s OK. Having to make decisions about his care. Everyone having differing opinions about what’s right and wrong.

Before I became a mom, when I was terrified of not ever being able to conceive–and of course after my miscarriage–I didn’t get it. I’d hear about moms struggling and think “wow, she should just be thankful she’s pregnant/has kids.”

But now I’m realizing more and more that just because something’s a huge blessing doesn’t mean it’s easy.

As I’ve struggled I’ve often had friends and family members tell me I just needed to be more thankful, or count my blessings, or realize how blessed I am. But that’s just the reason us anxious people often struggle. Because I am so in shock that I actually get to be a mom, that I’m terrified. I’m not ungrateful one bit, and this blessing is far from lost on me.

I spent my whole pregnancy convinced I was going to lose him, so of course when he was born I had a hard time connecting and understanding that he was really here, healthy and all.

And I shouldn’t have had to be ashamed to admit I was struggling. I didn’t need to hear things like “you know all that stress affects the baby”, “you’re just making this harder on yourself”, or “it could be worse.”

Because for many women pregnancy is hard, uncomfortable, scary, tiring, and feels unending at times.

Then you’ve got taking care of a newborn, which is no joke. Those first few weeks were amazing and also very emotional. Having him outside of me all of the sudden was terrifying. I was a sleep-deprived, hormonal, anxiety-ridden, sore postpartum mess.

And I felt like I had to hide it.

All I’d ever heard about was that instant love connection, of not caring how difficult it is because of how much you love them. Not being so exhausted by the time you push your baby out that you can barely keep your eyes open enough to see them. Not feeling terrified to take them home because you have no freaking idea how to take care of a real-life human baby who depends on you for everything–even if you are the eldest of 5 kids.

…or still feeling like you’re flying by the seat of your pants nearly six months later.

While the burst-out-of-your-chest love is so real and true, I had no idea how hard it would be. I didn’t hear about the wanting to run away for a few hours. Or freaking out through nighttime feedings because your baby won’t latch, you’re exhausted, you’re terrified he isn’t getting enough to eat, and to top it all off you feel like someone took sandpaper to your boobs. Or the mastitis. Oh the mastitis.

I didn’t know how terrified I’d be of seemingly simple decisions like where he would sleep. Because no matter what you choose, someone says it’s unsafe, or evil, or damaging.

I wanted this for years. Growing up my biggest dream was to be a mama. My biggest fear during my brain tumor struggles was that I wouldn’t ever be a mom. I had completely idolized motherhood, and now, by the grace of God, I’m actually getting to experience it.

But that doesn’t make it easy.

We can be immensely grateful and thoroughly overwhelmed at the same time.

We can love our babies to the moon and back, and still struggle to get through each day.

We can thank God morning and night for these amazing blessings, and ask him for the strength to take care of them.

Because most things in life aren’t just rainbows and sunshine. I’m not sure how it’s possible that the past year has been my best and my most challenging.

But I know that for God to grow and shape me, I have to have growing pains. And that while I always think the next thing, in this case, motherhood, will cure my anxiety and make me feel completely fulfilled, none of it can. This life is both beautiful and hard, and our ultimate hope is in Christ.

Pregnancy was terrifying. Motherhood is HARD. Oh is it. And I’m not even six months in. But even in the still of the night, when I feel frustrated because my son has woken up for what feels like the 100th time, I can’t help but feel immensely grateful despite the struggle.

I think back to when I wanted him so badly it hurt. So badly I cried on the bathroom floor and begged God to give us our little Leo.

And I remember that I’m so blessed to be his mama that it brings me to tears. Because I never thought I’d be a mama at all.

Motherhood is freaking hard. And I have days where I seriously wonder what I got myself into. But that’s just what I’m learning—that some of life’s most amazing blessings also bring our greatest struggles.

And I’m not afraid to admit it anymore.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” —Romans 5:13

Tayler Beede

Hello! I’m Tayler—wife to Kyle, follower of Jesus, and mama to Leo. My husband and I got married at 19. We’ve known each other since we were 14, began dating at 16, and were engaged at 18. Our story is a unique one, and it hasn't been all rainbows and glitter, but I am so thankful for the story God has written for our lives. You can read more about my story here.


  1. Krysten T says

    Congratulations on your baby Leo!
    With my first it took me until he was 9 months old before I felt like I hit my groove.
    I think you’re right that it’s hard to admit we need help. My husband started an out-of-town job right after our son was born and I was on my own a lot. I have a great and close family support system that I could have asked for help but it my head I had it that I needed to do it on my own. With my second I did a better job asking and accepting help.

  2. Martie Busse says

    Oh my gosh, this is wonderful! I too cried with the knowledge that I may never have a child, then when Scott arrived, I worried about him all the time. I still do. The same happened with Kaysie and yes, “I still do.” I am grateful to this day that I have them.
    Thanks for this post, Tayler. I love you!

  3. Leslie says

    That first year was scary for me too. Not so much my first time around because I was so young at 19 and the world was a different place. People just had babies and there wasn’t the Internet and so many opinions or questions flying around. When Abbey was born my husband and I felt terrified the night we brought her home, so small in her little car seat. What if someone crashed into us when we were carrying this precious cargo? Did we have her strapped in correctly? I think I held Cutzi in my arms when I travelled. My how things have changed!
    I hate to say this, but it doesn’t get a whole lot easier. Now Abbey is in Myanmar. There have been several nights in the two months she’s been gone that I’ve woken up in a panic. Is she okay? Is there someone out to harm her? Will she get run over by one of those crazy drivers on those narrow rutted streets? How will she fly home alone and make it on the right airplane in China during her layover? All these thoughts come crashing in. She’ll be 19 in a couple of weeks, but I still have fears and worries for her, more than when she was little; because when she was little she was in our home, safe in her room at night, I could get to her in an instant if she needed my help. This feels really helpless.
    Scripture calms me. Prayer calms me. Getting up and getting busy with life calms me and helps me to lay aside the fear for a time.
    Love is kind of scary, no doubt about that.

  4. Crystal Knight says

    When I had my son (he is 7 now), I had some high expectations for sure. He was a very colickly baby as I have learned not but not then. When he was about 10 months old I realized I wasn’t right. I sought out counseling and was found to have postpartum anxiety and panic attacks and PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. I had a very traumatic childhood. Through the grace of God, people in my life especially my counselor, friends family I am still in a process of recovery but Thanking God each day I am not at where I was 7 years ago. We had another child a little girl that is 18 months old and it was much different this time around. I know her personality is different but I also know it is because I am different also this time. God knew I was broken and each day he is putting the pieces back together but creating a new picture for my life. One that I never thought would be possibly. It has been unbelievable all that I have been through in my life but it has been amazing on what God has done in me the most that matters.

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