Struggles of a Midlife Wife

Midlife is a strange place to be.

It is sort of like being at two parties at once. Do I want to go dance to loud music and hit a piñata filled with candy, or do I want to go sip wine over candlelight while a classical guitarist serenades me? Am I craving adventure, or do I want to just crawl in bed and read? I have this feeling that I need to get out there and enjoy nature, go out with our friends, and maybe even para-glide, but I’m so exhausted that I just want to sit still so I can hear myself think. Sometimes I feel like I look great, and sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder who that lady is.

My youth has officially left the building

The strange thing is, I don’t feel old yet. I have glimmers of age creeping in, but mostly I am still shocked that my twenties are really gone. I am not talking about how how you feel here, I mean literal years. I am in my forties. Somebody tell me I’m dreaming.

The central theme of my whole adult life has been motherhood. I have been so busy in the trenches, I haven’t noticed that this chapter is almost over. I will still mother my adult children, but I won’t be fully responsible for their education, discipline, and enrichment. So what then, will I do? Am I past my prime? Is somebody going to put me out to pasture? And how will I deal with this new normal, where laugh lines and silver hair show up without my permission?

Sometimes I want a rewind button

I would gladly keep reliving the past twenty years as long as I could take my wisdom with me. Oh, the things I would accomplish. I would fix mistakes and effortlessly jump those hurdles that about killed me the first time around. Regret would be something I only read about, and everyone would be happy. But that isn’t the world we live in. Time is marching on, and dragging me with it whether I like it or not.

Thankfully, I do have wisdom to bring with me as I move forward. I can’t erase mistakes, but I can ask forgiveness and mend broken bridges. Some bridges were obliterated so badly that all I can do is use the flames from the explosion to light my way to the other side. Maybe I won’t make those same mistakes again. But if I do, God is there, lavishing grace, redeeming lost things.

There are relationships that will never be repaired, and I have to trust God to take care of the things I can’t fix.  Sometimes I have to stop trying to force things and just cut anchor. We just release our grip.

I’ve learned that I am not the sum of others’ opinions. Nobody truly knows my heart except God, and I have stopped trying to explain things to everyone. How can anyone truly understand? Everyone is on the same, difficult journey so maybe we’re all just trying to get through each day the best we can.

Can you relate with me?

Maybe you have felt saddened over lost dreams—over goals that are still unattained. You have given everything to your family and now you’re wondering what comes next and who you even are. Maybe you’ve had a successful career but feel like you have missed out on enjoying hobbies, or have had little time to relax. Maybe you feel a little bit afraid that you’ll be replaced because you aren’t “young” anymore, and because of that, aren’t good enough. It’s possible that middle-age is freaking you out, and you can’t imagine how you will cope. 

Media loves to mock us.

Women are told every single day they are losing their youth, and with it, their beauty. If you don’t believe me, go buy a pack of gum a the grocery store. Look to your right at the magazines on the shelves. Do you hear those air-brushed models hollering at you? They’re telling you that you aren’t pretty enough, thin enough, or alluring enough. Guess what? Those same women will be in line one day, with Trident gum in their less than perfect  hands. They’ll be feeling the same way you’re feeling.

So my question is this: what is beautiful?

Beauty is a woman who has been through the wringer, and still smiles. Beauty isn’t a number, a clothing size, or a make-up brand. Beauty is not reserved for those who are simply youthful. It’s a deep, abiding strength that anchors you to your God, and to those around you. Beauty is wisdom and strength. It’s compassionate towards others, and gives freely. Beauty is the world we live in, and it was created for you.

Being beautiful isn’t the shape of your face, it’s the fact that your face was created in God’s image. And no matter what season of life you’re in, there are things about you that are stunning.

Where does that leave me, a woman in her forties? I look forward to new chapters. I still have adventure ahead, but also time to enjoy calmness and solitude. Beauty has been redefined into more lasting things. I have experienced tremendous grace in my life, so hopefully I can find moments to extend that grace to others. There are valuable lessons that come with age, and as God refines us and leads us, we see these things more clearly.

There is something so precious about the person who has walked with the Lord for decades. There is a fire in their eye that burns brighter than it did in their youth. God is bringing us forward to good things, and He will be faithful. The best isn’t what is behind us, it’s yet to be.