Follow Your Heart (and other bad ideas)
“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.” —Tim Keller
There are going to be times when you don’t feel in love
There will be times you even feel hopeless. You will even wonder if happiness is possible. You will be tempted to look for greener grass, but as we know, grass is greener where you water it. Your heart will encourage you to be self serving and it will convince you that you need more. I hate to break it to you, but your heart is a filthy liar. My heart has been such a jerk to me, I just can’t rely on it anymore. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9. This refers to our will, thoughts, motivations and emotions. Verse 5 says, “Thus says Yahweh, ‘Cursed is the person who trusts in humankind and makes his flesh his strength, and turns aside his heart from Yahweh.'” When we turn away from God, and trust in our own intuition, we will hurt ourselves, and others. We have to remain faithful to our promises, knowing things will get better as we walk through together. Following our hearts sounds nice, until others around us want to follow theirs at our expense. If we all focus on simply what makes us feel good, there will be hurting people everywhere.
We have had moments when we felt we would never figure out the answer. At times it seemed our marriage was a sham, a joke. We felt misunderstood and disconnected. Then we had good days and felt in love again. We enjoyed each other’s company and went on dates. We laughed and talked and felt safe from any future friction, only to wake up and feel totally disconnected again. When people say, “It was emotional roller coaster,” they are almost always talking about romantic relationships. If we base the health of our marriages on how we feel from day to day, we will go crazy.
Our feelings change nonstop
We either feel happy or sad. Loved or unloved. Grateful or ungrateful. We need something to anchor us to truth. We need to hold fast to commitment despite our churning passions and ideas. Tim Keller gave wonderful, practical advice to follow. We start loving our spouses in spite of what we feel. We hope in the future, knowing God will bring about the promise of love. I have seen this first hand in my marriage. We refused to quit because we didn’t want to miss what God had for us. I not-so-patiently waited to see what He would do. As I became intentional about loving my husband, my feelings drastically changed. The bible says that where our heart is, there our treasure will also be. As I turned my heart towards my spouse, I began to truly treasure him. Just as is he, no expectations of change or improvement. I was grateful for plain old him. If that isn’t a picture of romance, I don’t know what is.
Lord, Help me to trust You more than my emotions. My feelings change from moment to moment, but Your Word never wavers, or misleads. Remind me of what is true. When fear threatens to overtake me, give me peace. When I feel discontent, place my blessings before my eyes. When I feel critical, give me the right perspective on my own failings. When I want to run away from the hard work of loving my spouse, help me to see my marriage is a covenant and my spouse is a gift. You never leave me or break your promises. You are the perfect example of love. Give me the courage to stand up to my own feelings, and the wisdom to let go of unrealistic expectations. You gave me thoughts, emotions and feelings. Help me to align them with scripture during times of disappointment and confusion. In Jesus’ name, amen.
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